I walked to the park and back, yesterday, taking a few photos along the way. It was a much-needed break--one of those where I can forget myself for a while, abandon roles and rules and "survival mode".
I used to think that there was a tremendous amount of resistance in this mind, and maybe fear, around my "responsibilities". I thought that when I faced the daily-grind story with a sigh and a great deal of reluctance, that there was something wrong with me. I love these people. Why the inability to accept that this is just the way it is? (A great, booming voice came out of the sky and said, "Because it's DIFFICULT and TEDIOUS!" Just kidding.)
It is difficult and tedious. There are beauties along the way, but generally, it's a job that requires operation within an artificial system in a way that seems mostly foreign to me, for both the welfare of eternally-dependent people and my own physical survival. Had I not been blessed with this set of circumstances, I would have put a bunch of stuff in a backpack (camera, art supplies, pen, paper) and thrown myself on the mercy of this big world. That is what I think. Do I entirely believe this story...? No. I don't know exactly what I would have done. Am I trapped? No. I can walk away. Will I? Not at this point. So, here I am. I, I, I.
Somehow, the realization dawned that fear and resistance don't belong to this mind--that when the self-image disappears at home, in the thick of things, a physical/psychological tension is there, in the air, so to speak, not produced here, but definitely noticed. It seems to belong to no one in particular, but everyone in general. Many of the people in my house lack the capacity for much self-reflection. There is a very "immature" and reactive way of being coming through and coloring the days. Of course, up springs an insecure child in this body, like a twig surfacing and spinning in a whirlpool. Of course, of course. However, this is the river, and when I remember that, a clarity ensues, and I relax. This place is like some kind of immersion course in independent peace...and constant mindfulness practice.
When I take the body out there, in nature, I can more easily open. There is a softening of the heart and sharpening of the mind, a sort of third-eye vision that is incredibly discriminating, in the sense that it understands its own highly-detailed projections without assuming them like so many shadows. Stepping back, back into vulnerability, raw to each kind of sense data, all of which spring up in my very own body, world-large. I light up with something that feels like an exquisitely painful, joyous love. Full, full, full. Very physical, very warm, no effort in the movement.
It sometimes seems as though I'm on the very edge of a surrender so sweet that I will be destroyed--not some ego, not some woman, but all of it. Right there, under the habitual patterns, singing like a siren...
Quite insightful, and daring, to converse with what looks to me to be one's own deeper psyche. Regarding "be destroyed." I wonder if this is related to some of the female Medieval mystics whose aim was to be "ruined."
ReplyDeleteDestruction can become necessary, even though it can also become dangerous at the same time. May your artless curiosity and zest for life guide you safely through the deeps.
"Ruined"--well on my way! There is a very fine line between sanity and un-sanity (not the same as insanity) that I used to fear. I think that fear is necessary and proper while ripening. Eventually, the fruit falls, to be consumed with delight, by any number of life-forms. What a fate, huh? :)
DeleteYour photo looks like a painting! Looks like a confluence of two waters meeting - beautiful analogy for your post!
ReplyDeleteI so relate to your waking with a sense of anxiety and reluctance with the way life is - although for different reasons - yet some similar; relating to the unconsciousness of others and not letting that determine your movement through life; life going in directions that we couldn't anticipate, nor would we want to... Staying open to the heartache...
And so we surrender to The River, in total immersion, a total confluence of Love, even if not recognized as such in the moment, that has swept us up and has yet to put us down; riding its currents, navigating it like explorers in a new land everyday, open to where the currents will take us - and sometimes not... :)
Life jacket anyone? :) <3 C
Sometimes I believe I need a life jacket...and sometimes I just drown. Either way, here I am, not sure how or why! Love wins. <3
DeleteThe "life jacket" *is* Love :)
Delete"Many of the people in my house lack the capacity for much self-reflection."
ReplyDeleteAn interesting comment - I sometimes envy the apparent ease & un-self-conscious & expressive grace that appears in people naturally & spontaneously from years & years of being "just themselves" - years of evading life's BIG questions - years of "accepted settling" and snuggling up to the status quo.
Sometimes, perhaps, journeys into awareness bring a rather acute and painful sensitivity - perhaps there's a precious middle-ground that can be trodden - with a residual sensitivity and compassion, but also a resilience from its untouchable source.
Maybe that is what some call "faith" - a sort of gentle compromise we make with ourselves - to remain sane.
Lovely writing, as always.
In my house live an autistic young man (my son), a woman with cerebral palsy and MMR (a fiend I took in), and a lady with Alzheimer's (my mother). And more. It probably sounds pretty arrogant, that statement, without this kind of clarification. I guess all the "immaturity" is an inevitable filter. There is, at times, an innocence that shines in these people that none of us "sane" people could ever hope to emulate--so I keep learning! :)
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